


Until your lungs give out

by Kebbi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oh also, Pining Kuroo Tetsurou, Potentially Terminal Illness, There's crying, Tsukishima Kei-centric, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love, and with angst i mean really a lot of angst, but don't worry guys I don't do sad endings, i may have cried while writing parts of this, it's sprinkled in between all of the pain lol, non-sexual nudity, or maybe i was just sweating from my eyes, some more pain, there's blood and puking and pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-16
Updated: 2020-11-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22759048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kebbi/pseuds/Kebbi
Summary: “You know that you don’t have to do this, right? You can just go if you want, it’s okay,” Kei said weakly.He'd never expected Kuroo to stay with him like this. He wanted to give him a way out, a chance to leave before it got any worse.But Kuroo didn’t take it. Instead he pulled Kei into his arms and softly caressed his hair. “No,” he whispered. “I’ll be with you until the end. Let me take care of you.”
Relationships: Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Minor or Background Relationship(s), one-sided tsukishima kei/yamaguchi tadashi - Relationship
Comments: 70
Kudos: 213





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I like to make myself suffer please come and sufffer with me

This wasn’t how Kei wanted the evening to go. He thought he’d be able to handle it; he thought he’d be fine. Or maybe he knew he wouldn’t be but thought it was worth it, if it meant he could finally see him again.

It’d been months and god, how Kei had missed him. His bright smile, his freckled cheeks, his warm eyes. 

And it wasn’t like his condition had magically improved just because he hadn’t seen him. No, he’d been longing to see him so much, _needed_ to see him so much it’d been unbearable. 

So, if Kei was going to die anyway, he’d at least wanted to spend one more evening together. And this reunion of Karasuno and Nekoma had seemed like the perfect opportunity. He’d figured that he could just leave or take a break from the crowd if his condition got worse. With all the people around, no one would notice or question it.

What hit Kei out of nowhere was Yamaguchi not coming on his own but with Yachi by his side. 

When he saw the shimmering rings on their intertwined fingers and the wide smiles on their faces Kei felt like throwing up. He wanted to be happy for them and wish them all the best but he wasn’t able to. 

He rushed out, barely managing to reach the bathroom on time, before breaking down on the cold tiles and choking out dozens of begonia petals.

With quivering hands, he managed to grab a bucket from under the sink before the next wave of petals left his throat. 

_How annoying,_ he thought. 

_How annoying, that he couldn’t even suppress these dumb flowers, these dumb feelings, now. His best friend just announced his engagement. He should be there with him, he should celebrate with him. But he was sitting on the goddamn bathroom floor spitting out flowers like his own feelings were the only thing that mattered. What an egoistic person he was_.

  
  


“Are you okay?”

Kei looked up and saw Kuroo standing in the doorway. He internally cursed himself for not locking the door.

“I’m fine,” he said, but it wasn’t very convincing being followed by the next coughing fit. Rose-colored petals scattered on the bathroom floor. Tears sprung into his eyes and Kei felt like he was going to die right there, right then.

With a worried expression Kuroo sat down next to him. He gently rubbed his back and Kei found it was actually a little soothing. He leaned into the touch, resting the back of his head against Kuroo’s chest, until the next coughing fit had him convulse again. In his exhausted mind was no space for thoughts about how he barely knew Kuroo or how he wasn’t fond of physical contact, so he let himself be comforted by the shorter man.

The coughing fits kept coming, flower petals accumulating in the bucket he held firmly between his bony fingers and scattering onto the floor. Kuroo just sat next to him, without asking any questions. Instead, he silently held him close until the seizures stopped and even a little longer after that. It was probably past midnight already, when Kuroo asked him if he was going to be able to get home by himself.

In all honesty, he didn’t know. He was tired and even just the thought of getting up made his body ache. But he didn’t want to bother Kuroo any further. 

“I’ll be fine,” he said with a hoarse voice and faked a smile. Maybe he would just wait for Kuroo to leave and sleep in the bathroom a little, until he gathered enough strength to get up and leave.

“I can take you home if you want. I have my car here,” he offered.

“I don’t want to burden you,” Kei whispered, his eyelids fluttering shut. 

He heard Kuroo chuckling softly, before he sat up. “You’re not, don’t worry.” And with that he put his arms around Kei and lifted him up. The blonde wanted to protest, but he felt too tired to actually struggle. 

“Ah, tell me your address before you fall asleep though.” Kei tried his best to correctly name his street and number, while Kuroo carried him out. He earnestly hoped that no one would see them; he couldn’t let anyone know. 

Most of all he couldn’t let Yamaguchi know. 

Blurrily, he noticed how Kuroo sat him onto the passenger seat of his car and buckled him up. The telltale sound of the engine starting was the last thing that reached his hazy mind before he fell asleep.

When he woke up, Kuroo had just stopped the car. As soon as he noticed Kei being awake, he gave him a soft smile. “We’re there, sleepyhead.” 

“Oh”, Kei replied, wearily glancing outside the window into the night. “Thanks.” 

He unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the car door with shaking hands. Every movement sent a sharp pain through his chest. He tried to get up and it stung, and it ached, and he couldn’t stop the whimper that escaped his mouth. 

“Wait I’ll help.” Before Kei was even able to register that Kuroo had gotten out of the car, he was already there, next to him, his arm wrapped around Kei’s waist.

“Don’t bother, I can do this”, he hissed but Kuroo didn’t budge. 

This sucked, this really sucked. He didn’t want to feel so weak and helpless and pitiful. He wanted to do things by himself.

Kuroo manoeuvred him up the stairs to his flat on the first floor. Kei was still shaking, barely any strength in his hands. So when he dropped the key in an attempt to unlock the front door, Kuroo picked it up, doing it in his stead.. As soon as he’d opened the door, his arm was back on the blonde’s waist supporting him. 

His pride was desperately screaming at him to refuse his senpai’s help, but there was no way he could do that, not when his legs were barely keeping him up. After they’d reached his bedroom, Kei somehow managed to get out of his street clothing and slipped into the loose shirt he used as pajamas. Kuroo was nice enough to put his coat and shoes back into the hallway and soon returned with a glass of water that he set down onto the nightstand.

“Is there… anything at all I can do for you?”

Kei snorted and climbed under the covers. His whole body was shivering. “You’ve done more than enough, Kuroo.”

He felt the mattress dip as Kuroo sat down on the edge of the bed. 

“Can I-” Kuroo’s voice sounded unsure. He ruffled through his black hair, and Kei couldn’t help but think that it looked very soft.

“I mean…”, he started again. “Do you need me to call someone? An ambulance or a doctor or something? Family?”

“No. This is nothing new, nothing unusual.”

Kuroo looked horrified at his words. “B-but-”

“Look, I know you want to help, but I don’t need an ambulance or shit. They can’t do anything anyway, so I’d rather sleep in my own bed than some sterile hospital bed.”

The black-haired man didn’t say anything to that. He just looked at Kei, worried, pained, and it hurt to meet his gaze.

Kei broke eye-contact and glanced at his alarm clock instead, the display revealing that it was long after midnight. When he turned back to Kuroo, the man looked exhausted, too exhausted to drive. Kei sighed.

“If you’re tired you can sleep on the couch in the living room. Don’t want to hear about a 24-year old tomorrow that died because he nodded off at the wheel.” He suppressed a cough. “But I have an appointment at 10 so you can’t stay for too long.” _Then again, Kuroo would probably want to leave as soon as possible anyway._

Kuroo smiled softly. “That would be a big help, actually. Thank you.”

Kei didn’t reply anymore; he was already drifting off to sleep. 

~

He woke up, sweating and shivering, begonia petals leaving a gross taste in his throat. Even though he felt it coming, he still didn’t manage to grab the bowl he kept next to his bed on time. He coughed and wheezed as the petals crawled up his airways. The taste on his tongue bitter, oh so bitter, but there was something else; the taste of iron, the taste of blood. It was disgusting. Even in the dim lights of the nightly city that crept through the gaps in his shutters, he could make out the dark red splotches on his sheets.

Kei heard a faint knock against his bedroom door and regretfully remembered that he wasn’t alone. He couldn’t reply, not with his throat feeling the way it did, but it’s not like he wanted to reply anyway. Letting Kuroo stay had been a terrible idea; he should have seen this coming.

The door opened a crack and Kuroo stuck his head in. Their eyes met and Kei didn’t want to imagine how horrifying he must look, covered in blood and spit and tears. The expression on Kuroo’s face made it pretty obvious anyway.

The black-haired man didn’t say anything though. He made his way over to the bed, Kei’s eyes following him critically, unsure of what to expect. Kuroo reached for the bowl and placed it in the blonde’s lap, before urging Kei to move a bit so he could slip in behind him. For whatever reason - most likely a mixture of surprise and weariness - Kei complied and let Kuroo pull the blanket up around them. The coughing subsided rather quickly, and Kei was left feeling exhausted and tired but unusually calm.

“Are you feeling a little better?” Kuroo whispered after a while. His breath tickled the skin on his neck when he spoke, and Kei suddenly realized just how close they were sitting. He was basically wrapped up in Kuroo’s arms yet again.

“Yeah,” he replied hoarsely, trying to straighten up a little to increase the distance between them.

“Should I help you wash up?”

In his exhaustion Kei had almost forgotten that his hands and probably half his face were still wet with spit and blood. He swallowed, before shaking his head.

“No, it’s fine, I can do it.”

Slowly, he crawled out of bed and staggered to the bathroom door. He flinched when he saw himself in the mirror above the sink – it was like a scene from some horror movie. He would have to change his shirt too, the bloody splotches standing out on the white cotton.

After cleaning up, he made his way back, just to find Kuroo changing the bedding.

“You didn’t have to,” he murmured, slipping out of his shirt and into a new one.

“Yeah, but I wanted to. I hope you don’t mind that I took new linen out of the closet?”

Kei shook his head and sat back down on the freshly changed sheets. 

“Sorry, that you had to witness all this,” he murmured, wrapping himself into the blanket. “Would have probably been better for you to leave and sleep at home. Sorry.”

But Kuroo didn’t seem bothered. He smiled and sat down next to him. “Don’t worry about it.”

They sat in silence for a while, until Kuroo spoke up again, quietly, carefully, as though he wanted to make sure he wasn’t overstepping boundaries.

“It’s Hanahaki, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” The blonde nodded. He expected Kuroo to ask who it was, but he didn’t. Maybe he wanted to respect his privacy or maybe Kei was so obvious about it that he already knew without asking.

He wasn’t sure why, but Kuroo made him feel safe and comfortable. He hadn’t even told his own family about this, yet he felt like opening up to Kuroo, whom he hadn’t seen in ages and hadn’t known well to begin with. But maybe, that’s what made it easier.

“If I just stopped thinking about him, the symptoms would get better,” he whispered into the silence. “But every cough, every petal reminds me of him. It’s a vicious circle, really.” 

He hated being sick and pathetic. He almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous all this was. _How ridiculous, that a supposedly cold person like him was about to die from love sickness._

_But maybe that’s what you get, when you don’t address your feelings_ , he thought. _They get bigger and bigger until they take up all the space in your lungs and suffocate you._

~

In the morning, after getting a few more hours of sleep, Kei felt better and totally capable of getting to his appointment via public transport. But Kuroo insisted on driving him, a “thank you” for letting him stay the night. Kei didn’t think that was necessary, actually he felt an apology for the terrible night was due. But his senpai was pretty persistent and so he eventually gave in. 

Kuroo’s expression had turned somewhat stiff when Kei told him the appointment was at the hospital, but he tried to act nonchalantly. They listened to music on the ride – Kei was in charge of the phone connected to the speakers. Some songs were picked by Kuroo, some were his own favorites, and they soon realized that their taste in music was incredibly compatible. When they arrived at the hospital Kuroo insisted to wait and drive him back, too. Kei didn’t put up a fight this time; the ride had been pretty fun actually.

He didn’t have to wait long for his appointment. Maybe it was because his condition was so terrible, and they were afraid he’d die in the waiting room if they took too long. Or maybe, and that seemed more likely, he just got lucky today. His doctor didn’t tell him anything new; the illness had progressed just as predicted. His treatment had long switched from “let’s see how we can save you” to “let’s see how we can make your remaining time as comfortable and pain-free as possible”. 

When he left the treatment room, the doctor following behind him, Kuroo jumped up from the chair as if he’d been waiting for news on his pregnant wife who just had a difficult surgery after being involved in a car crash.

“Oh,” his doctor said with a smile and a feeling of impending doom settled in Kei’s stomach. “I’m glad to see you haven’t come alone for once! Is that your roommate, that takes care of you?”

Kuroo furrowed his brows, clearly confused; Kei wanted to disappear.

“No, no, he’s just a ... friend”, he offered hastily.

The doctor nodded. “I see. Still, I’m glad that you finally lean on someone for support. I was a little worried you were trying to go through this alone.” He gave him an encouraging pat on the back, while Kuroo still looked at them in confusion. 

“No one should have to be alone in that kind of situation.”

Kei just smiled curtly and gave the doctor a polite nod before dragging Kuroo away. He really had to make it worse and worse. Of course, he would bring up the whole roommate thing that Kei made up just so the doctor would stay off his case. He’d kept pushing flyers about outpatient care at him once he’d learned that Kei wasn’t living with his family or partner. But Kei hated the idea of someone seeing him suffer, all pathetic and miserable. He also didn’t want a stranger coming to his house. 

And while he knew, in theory, that he wouldn’t be able to take care of himself for long, he refused to admit it to him or to others. At some point he told the doctor about a friend that moved in with him to help, just to get him to shut up about all of that. It had worked out just fine – until now. 

Neither of them said anything on their way back to Kuroo’s car and even after getting in they didn’t talk for a while.

“I didn’t know you had a roommate.”

“Eh. Yeah, he isn’t home this week.” The blonde laughed awkwardly.

“Stop lying. I’ve been in your flat. You’re living by yourself.”

Kei stared at his hands, fidgeting nervously. 

“You shouldn’t lie to your own doctor, should you?”

Kei felt like a kid being scolded. He stubbornly kept his mouth shut and shrugged. Kuroo was obviously right, but it also wasn’t any of his business.

It got quiet again and Kei wondered what was going through Kuroo’s head. The black-haired man was observant, so it was very well possible he’d already figured out the gravity of his situation after all he’d seen and heard.

“Are you dying?” Kuroo asked eventually and his voice sounded weird, though Kei couldn’t quite grasp in what way.

It proved him right; Kuroo knew.

He swallowed, not daring to look at him. “Yeah,” he whispered tentatively.

Kuroo didn’t reply but he also didn’t start the car, so they just sat in suffocating silence. When Kei finally looked up to face him, Kuroo’s expression was devastated. He had his gaze stiffly focused on something outside the windshield, his hand pressed firmly over his mouth. Tears streamed down his tanned cheeks, pooling at his chin and dropping onto the fabric of his shirt. 

Kei felt like he’d been stabbed by a knife.

That’s why he hadn’t told anyone. 

Because he was dying. Because nothing could be done to help him. It was fine, really. Kei had made peace with it. 

But seeing Kuroo cry like that, seeing him try to suppress his sobs was unbearable. It made him wonder if he’d really made peace with it or if he simply hadn’t realized what it meant until now.

He was dying.

~

Kuroo drove him home in silence. It was suffocating, but Kei was used to that feeling, heck, he was literally suffocating a little more every day. This shouldn’t be any worse. 

But it somehow was.

When Kuroo parked the car in his street, Kei wasn’t sure if he should say anything. Kuroo kept silent too, so decided that it was probably for the best to just get up and leave now, to disappear from Kuroo’s life now before it was too late. Surely, this wasn’t what Kuroo had signed up for. He probably just wanted to help some drunk and/or sick kouhai at a reunion to prove once more that he’s a good person. 

Instead he’d picked up someone who was dying and now had to figure out how to get rid of this drama. 

Kei wasn’t going to guilt trip him into staying or whatever. He knew that there was nothing connecting the two other than some useless teenage nostalgia. There was no need for Kuroo to get all worked up over this.

He unbuckled his seatbelt. “Thanks for driving me home.”

When Kuroo didn’t reply nor look at him, he lifted his hand to open the door, fingers curling around the handle.

“Can I come up with you for a bit?”

“No need, Kuroo. You don’t have to do this, okay? You don’t have to try and do the right thing, and all that. I’m fine, just drive home. I’m fine.” The blonde opened the door and started getting up, but Kuroo grabbed his wrist and pulled him back down.

“Well I’m not!” 

Kei flinched at his loud voice and the anger reflected in his features. 

“I’m _not fine_ ,” he added quietly, weakly. 

“And you obviously aren’t _fine_ either. You’re _dying_ and- I’m- I’m not fine with that, I didn’t want to know that. I don’t- I can’t-“ 

Kei pulled back his wrist. “Well, I didn’t force you to come with me today, Kuroo. I didn’t even ask you to. You could have just-“

“No, Tsukishima, no. I’m not-" His voice was shaking, no trace of the anger from a second ago. "I’m sorry. I’m not angry with you, god, of course I’m not angry with you. I’m just- _shocked_.”

Kuroo grabbed for Kei’s arm once more, gently this time and Kei could feel him trembling. “You’re dying and I- I’m- I really desperately don’t want you to.”

“You get used to it after a while; at least that’s what it was like for me,” Kei said with a deadpan voice not allowing himself to let Kuroo’s words get to him. “It gets better.”

But he wasn’t entirely sure. Not anymore, not now that someone actually knew, actually cared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure about the flower language in other countries and cultures but in the german flower language begonia is the flower of friendship, in case you were wondering why I chose it.
> 
> Thanks for reading! I'll try to update quickly :)  
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated!! ♥


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited chapter 1 on feb 20th so make sure that you've read those last few paragraphs that I added before reading this chapter :)

Kei had been able to convince Kuroo to drive home, he had really needed some time for himself after all this. He had had to agree to meet up with Kuroo a few days later though, so he found himself putting on jeans that had gotten too baggy from his weight loss, and a loose sweater before heading out. Kuroo had offered to meet at Kei’s place, in case meeting somewhere else would be too much. But Kei hadn’t really left the house in a long time other than for doctor’s appointments and that reunion. He knew the meet up would probably be tense and awkward, and yet he found himself look forward to it a little. Maybe because they agreed to meet at Kei’s favorite café that had this amazing strawberry shortcake. Or maybe because he found Kuroo’s company to be pretty enjoyable.

They sat at one of the tables near the window, and Kei observed the people passing by the shop. The conversation was light, just talking about this and that, volleyball, music, college, friends. Kei felt tense though. He was just waiting for Kuroo to finally get to the point, to finally ask and say what he really wanted to, what he really came for.

“You don’t have a roommate”, Kuroo eventually said.

Kei frowned. “Didn’t we talk about this before?”

“We did. But I think you _should_ have a roommate. You probably don’t want to hear this because you’re thickheaded and you like to do things by yourself, but sometimes doctors are right, Tsukki.”

It took Kei a lot of energy to not snap at the bedhead. _Who did he think he was, telling Kei what was best for him? How dare he?_

He stayed quiet though, keeping his mouth busy with a chunk of his cake.

“Don’t you have someone that could move in with you? Or someplace you could go?”

Kei snorted. “Yeah sure. As if I told anyone about this.”

The other’s eyes got wide in shock. “You didn’t… tell anyone?”

“Did I stutter?”

Now it was Kuroo’s turn to frown, and Kei hated that expression on him. “Tsukki you need to talk to someone about this. Your family at least? Or your freckled friend? Yamaguchi?”

“No!” Kei’s voice was louder than anticipated. “No. I can’t”, he added a little calmer.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have- I’m just worried for you, Tsukki.”

“Don’t be. I’m fine.”

“You keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true.”

Kuroo sighed. “ _I_ know about it.”

“What?”

“I already know about it. If you don’t want to tell anyone, okay. But I already know. So, let _me_ help.”

Kei shook his head. He couldn’t understand why Kuroo was offering this. Not that he was sure what exactly Kuroo was offering to begin with.

“Look”, he said. “I know it’s hard to leave me alone after what the doctor said and all. But I won’t blame you for leaving, Kuroo. You haven’t seen the worst yet, okay? And it’s not going to get better. It’s disgusting and terrible and you won’t be a bad person for deciding to leave.”

“You think I’m doing this because I want to be a good person?” Kuroo furrowed his brows.

“Why else?”

“Because you’re important to me, Tsukki. I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but I still consider you a friend.”

~

Kei wasn’t sure what had made him agree to this. But a week after, Kuroo was standing in front of his door, a suitcase in his hand and a bright smile on his lips.

He was temporarily moving in. Or well, considering he probably wasn’t planning to move out until it was over, it could be considered permanently from Kei’s point of view.

Then again, Kuroo would surely change his mind after seeing just how unpleasant all of this was. Throwing up flower petals didn’t sound so bad in theory, poetic even, but it was disgusting in real life. They came with a bitter taste and a rotten smell and heaps of blood and spit.

Since Kei’s flat didn’t have a spare room, much less a second bed, Kuroo had to be satisfied with sleeping on the couch. Unfortunately, the living room was a walk-through room, that connected Kei’s bedroom with the kitchen, and thus didn’t really offer any privacy. Kuroo didn’t seem to mind though. “I’m not one for secrets anyway” was all he’d said.

Surprisingly it didn’t take long for Kei to get used to his new roommate. They soon fell into a pattern: Kuroo would make coffee for them in the morning. They’d have breakfast together (Kei usually wasn’t hungry, but Kuroo made him eat at least a little) and then Kuroo would head out to get to classes. He usually returned around noon and Kei would spend the time in between reading or sleeping. Then they’d have lunch together and talk or watch a movie.

On the days he had to work, Kuroo didn’t come back until the early evening and even though Kei had always thought himself to be a person that could handle being alone, liked it even, he caught himself loathing those days.

Kei was feeling a little better, probably because Kuroo made sure he ate and drank enough and used his inhalator twice a day. He rarely woke up at night, but when he did, coughing and choking, Kuroo would without fail slip into bed behind him, soothing him until he calmed down. Afterwards he would change the sheets for Kei if necessary, while he washed up. Sometimes, when Kei felt especially shaken up, he stayed with him afterwards, until Kei had fallen asleep.

It almost scared him how observant his roommate was. He always seemed to know what Kei needed and the way he was so good at taking care of people made Kei feel a little envious. While observing people was definitely something Kei did often, he wasn’t the most sympathetic person. It was difficult for him, to say and do the right things, even if he wanted to. But Kuroo seemed to handle that with ease. Maybe, if he’d had more time left, if he hadn’t been dying, Kei would have worked on that, would have tried to learn from Kuroo, tried to be kinder and more lovable.

But Kei didn’t have time left and it was pointless to change now.

~

Turned out Kuroo didn’t only have a great taste in music, his taste in TV shows was just as nice. They’d started watching a Netflix show together, that’d been on Kuroo’s watch list for a while. Kei was completely absorbed in it and it cost him all his self-restraint to not continue watching while Kuroo was at college or at work. It seemed important to his roommate, that they watched it together. Kei wasn’t the nicest, but he wasn’t a complete asshole either, so he obediently waited for Kuroo to come home to watch. The show had five seasons and Kei wondered if he was going to be able to finish it. He wondered if Kuroo was going to continue watching it, if Kei died before they reached the ending. It was an uncomfortable thought. Because he didn’t want to be the reason Kuroo would miss out on something. But imagining Kuroo watching it without him made his chest feel tight.

When his black-haired senpai came home, Kei had already made some tea and set some snacks onto the coffee table in the living room. Kuroo had bought Pizza for them – a rare treat because he was usually adamant about making nutritious low-fat food. He said it was because he needed to pay attention to his form, but Kei was sure it was mostly Kuroo fussing about Kei’s health. (What health ha ha.)

Nestling down in the blankets and cushions on the couch, they pressed play and continued watching. It was nice and comfortable, and Kei almost wanted to snuggle up to Kuroo’s shoulder next to him.

When they had just started the third episode of the evening, his phone vibrated and a message popped up on the screen. Yamaguchi.

Almost panicked, he grabbed for his phone, unlocked it and opened LINE. He could see that Yamaguchi was already typing again.

> **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** Tsukki!! We haven’t seen each other in ages! I mean we did at the reunion but u left so quickly and we didn’t get to talk properly >-< How r u? I have a very important question to ask! Are you ready?

Another message plopped up.

> **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** I can’t actually wait lol. Okay! Drumroll pls!
> 
> **Yamaguchi Tadashi:** Will you be my best man? :3

Kei choked. He felt dizzy. This sucked. Of course, he should be his best friend’s best man. Of course, he should.

But he couldn’t.

He coughed, blood and flower petals spilling onto the blanket in his lap. But he could barely grasp it, his gaze unfocused, foggy.

Warmth spread around his shoulders, and he realized Kuroo must have wrapped his arms around him.

He said something. Kei didn’t understand. He tried to meet Kuroo’s gaze. He looked panicked. His hands and chin and chest felt wet. He wasn’t sure if it was blood or spit or vomit. Or maybe he was crying.

Kuroo’s hands cupped his face. Was he shouting? Kei felt dizzy. So dizzy. And tired.

He coughed again.

He closed his eyes. That was better.

He should just rest for a bit.

When he woke up, he heard voices. A woman. She had a nice, collected voice.

“Please calm down, Sir”

Kei wanted to laugh, wanted to say that he was very calm, ask why she’d tell him that.

But it wasn’t addressed at him.

“No, no, no! How am I supposed to- he was fine and then suddenly- what’s happening? Is he dying?” The other voice wasn’t calm. But it was familiar. Kuroo. Was he crying? He sounded like he was crying.

Kei tried to open his eyes, tried to catch a glimpse of his surroundings. He was still in his living room, but this wasn’t his couch and it was moving, he was being moved.

He was exhausted.

He fell asleep again.

The first thing he saw when he reluctantly opened his eyes, was Kuroo, who immediately gasped in relief.

“Kei”, he breathed, his eyes looking red, and his hair even worse than usual. Kei almost wanted to chuckle at how desperate he looked, how pathetic and desperate.

“You look really uncool, senpai.”

A fond smile spread on Kuroo’s worn out face. “If you’re still this salty, it can’t be that bad.”

Kei grinned. “Just have to make use of my last moments and be as salty as possible.”

“You’re not dying”, someone said. Kei didn’t bother trying to get up to see them. He knew, he was in an ambulance, he knew the person was some kinda doctor or whatever. This wasn’t his first ride.

“I-I mean, n-not now, not one of these days, uh-”, the person corrected themselves and Kei found some weird satisfaction in their discomfort. There weren’t many perks in dying, but seeing people tripping over their own tongues because they didn’t know how to deal with your impending death wasn’t so bad. Kei had always had a thing for making others uncomfortable after all.

In the hospital they ran some tests and gave Kei medicaments to lessen the symptoms and reduce the chances of another fit. Then he was left to rest in one of the white and sterile hospital rooms. He hated it. These rooms always made him feel lonely. Especially when he had to share them with someone whose family and friends where visiting all the time.

But it wasn’t as bad this time. He was lucky enough to have a room to himself.

And he was lucky enough to not be alone.

Kuroo sat at his bed side, softly caressing his hand from time to time. The medicine made Kei feel drowsy and he kept falling asleep. But each and every time he woke up Kuroo was still there, looking at him fondly, reading something on his phone or nodding off in the chair.

It had Kei smile, but it also had him feel guilty. He must have been so exhausted himself, not just from today, no, from the last few weeks, from living together with Kei.

The blonde sat up in the bed and traced his fingers over Kuroo’s hand, that was still laying next to his own. Kuroo blinked up at him sleepily.

“You woke up. How are you feeling?”

There was so much kindness in his voice, in his expression.

“You know that you don’t have to do this, right? You can just go if you want, it’s okay”, Kei said weakly.

He knew he was being a burden. Things would have been easier for Kuroo, if he hadn’t stuck around after finding out. But he had, and now he was in this mess, taking care of him, watching him die. And no, Kei didn’t want him to leave.

But at the same time, he didn’t want him to stay either, he didn’t want to see the concern in Kuroo’s eyes, he didn’t want to see him suffer.

Honestly, Kei had never expected Kuroo to stay with him like this. He wanted to give him a way out, a chance to leave before it got any worse than it already was.

But Kuroo didn’t take it. Instead he pulled Kei into his arms and softly caressed his hair. “No”, he whispered. “I’ll be with you until the end. Let me take care of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you very very much for reading <3  
> I'm realizing that mayyybe it will have four chapters instead of three. We'll see^^
> 
> Kudos and comments are always very appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you may have noticed i changed the total number of chapters. While writing I kinda realized that I can't wrap this up in three chapters without it feeling too rushed or incomplete to me. Also I suddenly added more and more scenes to my outline so here we are. Sorry for the long wait and I hope you enjoy the chapter!  
> Also added another tag for this chapter which would be nudity but nothing sexual I promise.

Kei hadn’t had to stay in the hospital for long. After two nights and two days that Kuroo dutifully spent at his bedside for the most part, he’d been discharged. He came home with a new batch of painkillers and a band-aid from the infusion on the back of his left hand.

After the whole incident Kuroo was obviously shaken up. He tried to behave the same as before but the fear in his eyes and the tension in his shoulders didn’t go unnoticed. He seemingly paid even more attention to Kei’s diet and the regular intake of his medication.

And he’s been pestering Kei about something else too.

“I really think you should tell your family. Yamaguchi too.”

“No! We’ve talked about this. I can’t. And you said, you accepted that.”

“I know. I know, Kei. But don’t you think they’d like to say goodbye?” Kuroo reached for Kei’s hand, but he pulled away.

“I’ve never been a considerate person, why would I start now? I’m not that kind.”

„That isn’t true, Tsukki. Stop painting yourself to be some villain, you’re not.” He almost sounded annoyed. “But if you don’t want to do it for them what about you? Don’t you want to say goodbye?”

How could Kei want that? How could he ever want to see the pain in his family’s eyes? And Yamaguchi, God, he would probably blame himself for all of this. But it wasn’t Yamaguchi’s fault. It was Kei’s.

“I can’t,” he repeated, quietly.

His roommate reached out again, but Kei didn’t pull away this time. Gently grasping his hand, Kuroo rubbed soothing circles into his skin.

“I know that it must be really, really hard on you. But you don’t have to do it alone. You’re not alone with this, I can go with you.”

Kei hid his eyes behind his free hand, trying hard to keep the frown on his face so as not to cry.

“I don’t know how to face them. I just feel so… ashamed.”

Kei flinched, as Kuroo’s fingers softly touched the skin on his cheeks and cupped his face.

“Kei,” he said, and it felt unfair that Kuroo decided to use his first name now.

“Kei, you’re sick. It’s not your fault and you don’t have to feel ashamed, okay? Don’t ever feel ashamed about being sick or needing help. It doesn’t matter what type of illness you have, it’s never a reason for shame.”

The blonde shrugged, feeling his lip wobble, tears close to spilling out, his stubbornness the only thing keeping them at bay.

“But I’m- I’m not the kind of person who does feelings and yet- it’s just so incredibly humiliating that it had to be like this.”

Slightly callused thumbs ran slow patterns over his cheeks. “Every person does feelings, Tsukki. That includes you, too. And I’m sure your family would never think of this as shameful. And Yamaguchi wouldn’t either.” He paused, lowering his hands and nervously fidgeting with his fingers. A deep crease appeared between his eyebrows, making Kei anxious for what was about to follow.

“But- I don’t know if I should say this, I mean, I had an inkling from the start, I guess? But when you- your phone fell, and I just happened to see the message, so I get if you don’t want to tell Yamaguchi what it is but… I mean shouldn’t they at least know that you’re -dying?” The last word sounded choked up, as though everything in him refused to say it out loud. “Even if you keep the cause to yourself?”

“I’ll think about it.”

And he did. He knew, Kuroo was right. He knew that his family and best friend deserved more than a message informing them of his death afterwards. He knew that it wasn’t fair to keep them in the dark on this. But it was overwhelming and scary.

~

Kei was laying in his bed, engrossed in a book he’d read a hundred times before and yet never grew tired of. He didn’t hear Kuroo coming home, so when he suddenly stood in the open doorframe, Kei flinched visibly.

“Sorry, did I startle you?”

“Obviously. Can’t you like make noises when coming in like a normal person?”

A wide lopsided grin appeared on the bedheads face. “I literally ran into the chest in the living room and screamed ‘fuck’ because I stubbed my toe. I sorta expected you to be aware of me being home.”

Kei threw him an unbelieving glare. “You’re lying.”

“I wish I was, shit really hurt.” He chuckled as he closed the distance and sat down at the edge of Kei’s bed, gazing up at the bookshelf almost covering all of the wall across from him.

“You really have a lot of books.”

Kei made a non-committal noise at that. “Do I?”

“Mhm. Can I take a look?” Kuroo asked already standing up again and walking over to the shelf.

“Sure,” Kei replied and went back to his own book.

It wasn’t long though, until his reading got interrupted again.

“You really have a lot of uh- panteo- paleont- you know, stuff on dinosaurs,” he stated.

Looking up from his book, he noticed Kuroo shuffling through the pages of one of his old doorstoppers from college.

“Yeah, paleontology was my main subject. I studied geoscience.”

The black-haired man turned around, a sudden sparkle in his eyes. “That’s really cool!”

Kei felt his face flush for some inexplicable reason. “I had to drop out last semester though. For obvious reasons.”

Kuroo settled back down on the bed, book still in his hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to rub it in.”

“You didn’t. It’s okay.”

“Tsukki?”

“Mhm?”

“You know that you are allowed to be sad and angry about things, right? You’re allowed to grieve. I feel like you- you just keep saying you’re fine and okay and whatever, but it’s normal to not be okay with all of this, you’re allowed to not be okay with this.”

Kuroos brown eyes looked at him earnestly under pinched eyebrows and Kei felt like crying or sobbing or screaming. But he didn’t, he couldn’t.

He smiled halfheartedly. “Yeah, I know.” His voice didn’t sound like himself. Then again, his voice barely ever sounded like himself anymore, constantly hoarse and raspy. “Thanks, though, Kuroo.”

~

He felt hot, so terribly hot. His hair wet from sweat was sticking to his neck and forehead uncomfortably. Kei wiped it with the back of his hand, but it was no use. His whole body was drenched with sweat, his pillow and sheets damp beneath him. And the sweating that was supposed to cool him down wasn’t even helping. Kei was on fire.

He dragged himself out of bed, his legs shaky and his vision blurry. His hands searched for the light switch or his glasses or both, but he couldn’t find either and didn’t have the patience to look any further. He needed to get in the shower, now. The heat wasn’t bearable for even a minute longer.

Through the dark of the night he shuffled towards his bedroom door, trying hard to open it quietly as not to wake Kuroo. To no avail though: He had barely made his way past the couch, when he knocked his foot into the coffee table next to it.

“Tsukki?” Kuroo sounded drowsy. “Are you okay?”

Kei wiped his forehead once more, though he knew it didn’t do anything. The heat and dizziness made him feel drunk, but not in a good way.

“I’m just goin to take a shower”, he whispered, shocked at how slurred his own voice came out. “Feelin’ a lil hot.”

Rustling came from the couch and Kei squinted, trying to make out the movement. Kuroo suddenly stood in front of him, close enough for Kei to count his eyelashes if he had had his glasses and if it hadn’t been the dead of night.

Kuroo firmly grabbed for Kei’s upper arms and tried to catch his gaze. “You’re sweating like crazy.”

“That’s why I wanna shower, stupid.” What he hoped looked like a snotty grin spread on his lips.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Tsukki. What if you faint?”

“Won’t,” Kei replied simply, wondering why Kuroo kept alternating between calling him Tsukki and Kei instead of settling on one. And then, because he seemingly wasn’t in his right mind and because he could always blame it on the fever, he asked just that.

Even in the dark, even without his glasses, he saw the surprise in Kuroo’s eyes. “Am I allowed to call you Kei?”

“I never allowed you to call me Tsukki either, didn’ stop you.”

A low chuckle spilled from Kuroo’s lips. “I guess you’re right.” He let go of Kei’s upper arms and instead wrapped a steadying arm around his waist. “And now let’s get you washed up, Kei”

“Wha- No! You’re not- I’m not going to-”

Kuroo gently pushed him towards the bathroom. “If the thought of me being in the bathroom with you is so terrible, then dry yourself off with a towel or something. But if you want to shower, you’ll have to suck it up, because I’m not letting you do that by yourself when you’re dizzy and running a fever.”

Kei visibly pouted, but he absolutely was not okay with just drying himself off. He was sticky and disgusting, and he needed to rinse his body, or he wouldn’t go back to sleep anytime soon. So, he didn’t say anything and let himself be maneuvered into the bathroom. While Kuroo started letting water into the tub, he peeled off his wet shirt and briefs, feeling too drowsy to care at this point. Kuroo didn’t seem to care either, carefully helping him into the tub without stealing glances.

Then again, why would Kuroo of all people be interested in looking at him and his disgusting sweaty body, especially after he’s seen him covered in spit and vomit.

The lukewarm water felt like heaven to his burning body, and he immediately leaned back and closed his eyes.

He heard Kuroo moving next to him before he dipped something into the water next to Kei.

“Do you mind if I help you?”, he asked carefully. But honestly Kei was too blissed out from the relief of the water to think about it deeply.

He shook his head with a soft noise. “Go ahead.”

Kuroo started wiping his body in slow, steady movements, the sponge feeling nice against Kei’s skin. He washed his arms and chest and legs, and it was so calming, the blonde would have fallen asleep if Kuroo hadn’t asked him to sit up so he could wash his back.

“Kuroo?”, he eventually asked into the comfortable silence that hung over them.

“Mhm?”

“Why are you still here?”

The soothing movements on his back halted for a moment before picking up again.

“Don’t you have it figured out by now?”

Kei turned his head to look at him, but Kuroo seemed intently focused on the sponge in his hand.

“I don’t know,” Kei whispered, suddenly feeling like speaking any louder would be wrong, would be improper.

Kuroo met his gaze then, something like purpose in his expression.

“I think you do”, Kuroo whispered back. There was so much fondness in his eyes, it made Kei want to run away. And yet, it was just that, reassuring fondness, love, though Kei was convinced he wasn’t very lovable. There was no pressure in Kuroo’s gaze, no silent question, no demand. Just letting him know without asking for anything in return.

And Kei didn’t press for more than that either, didn’t dare to ask again, didn’t dare to make Kuroo say it because he wasn’t sure he would be able to handle it.

It was obvious, painfully obvious and maybe it had been before, and Kei had simply refused to acknowledge it.

Kuroo loved him. He loved him in one way or another. Loved him enough to stay and take care of him.

Kei almost had to laugh. How did he even deserve such gentle love?

And how did Kuroo deserve this, holding onto someone who’s dying a little more each passing day?  
  
 _If only I loved him_ , Kei’s hazy mind thought. He wondered what it felt like to be cradled in those arms, not to get him through another coughing fit, not to ease his pain, but just for the sake of being close to each other. If he loved him, life would surely be easier. It wouldn’t be about to be over either, but that seemed like a selfish thought.

They sat in silence until Kuroo helped him out of the tub and wrapped him into a soft towel and guided him back to his room. Kuroo got a shirt and underwear out of Kei’s closet while he sat down on his bed. His sheets had dried by now and Kei couldn’t be bothered to change them now, so he quickly slipped into the clothes the other handed him and crawled underneath the blanket. Kuroo turned off the light as he left, lingering in the doorway for a moment before closing it behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I'm grateful for every kudos and comment<3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late, late update  
> After writing "It should have been him" for the hq mini bang I needed a small break from the angsty stuff - if u enjoy some suffering pls check it out (*/▽＼*)  
> I've also been having a friend beta the prior chapters of this and am slowly starting to edit them (no worries, there won't be story changes!)

Surprisingly, nothing had changed between them after the bathroom incident. He’d expected it to get awkward but maybe things like that become meaningless if you stare death in the face everyday. 

Or maybe Kuroo was just that good at not making things awkward - Kei surely wasn’t.

Either way, they’d just gone on like usual, eating and watching Netflix together and bickering about Kei’s diet. Kuroo had carefully suggested that Kei could maybe sign up for an online class or two so he wouldn’t feel too bored at home. The blonde wanted to ask what the point was in spending money for a class and learning something new when he was dying anyway. But he didn’t because Kuroo was right, he was bored. And it’s not like saving up money had any point when he was dying either so he might as well spend it on classes. 

Since he didn’t need to have a bigger goal, he was able to sign up for whatever he thought was interesting without any concerns for usefulness. It was a nice freedom to have so he decided to sign up for a french class and to his surprise it wasn’t so bad. He also signed up for an art class, because why not, but he dropped out soon after; painting just wasn’t his strong suit. It wasn’t particularly fun to try and do assignments but fail miserably every time so he didn’t force himself to continue.

Kuroo had been pretty pleased with himself when Kei had told him about the french class and he always made a point of asking him how it was and what he learned on the days he had the lessons. It felt a bit like a parent trying to take interest in their child’s school life and Kei teased him about it more than once.

“I’m home,” Kuroo shouted through the flat as he closed the door behind him. The blonde heard him shuffle out of his coat and shoes before he made his way over to the kitchen where Kei sat at the counter with his laptop.

“Any new words to impress me with, chéri?” Kuroo sounded almost disgustingly happy.

“Tch.” Kei barely looked up from the screen, he knew Kuroo had a shit eating grin on his face without seeing it anyway. 

“Oh come on, don’t be like that! Since it’s entirely thanks to me that you found your love for the language of love and baguettes you could at least share your knowledge with me! I don’t want to be too dependent on you when we travel to France!”

“Since when are we going to France? And I didn’t have class today, bouffon.” With a sigh he closed his laptop. “Where’s that good mood coming from anyway?”

With an exaggerated gasp Kuroo sat down next to him. “I’m so touched, you see right through me.”

“So? Are you telling me or not?”

His roommate’s smile widened even further and Kei wasn’t sure how that was humanly possible. “My professor invited me to be part of a small expedition, since someone else cancelled! It’s a giant chance for me, I could really learn a lot if I go and on top of my professor there will also be other impressive people coming along too!”

Kei was happy for him, really, but there was also something else rearing its head in the depth of his mind. Jealousy, perhaps, because if Kei was still in college with a future ahead of him, he could get these kinds of chances too. 

“That’s amazing, Kuroo.” He forced the ugly feelings away as best as he could and tried to put on a sincere smile. “But what do you mean by _if_ you go, shouldn’t it be _when_?”

The bedhead shrugged sheepishly. “No, I mean, i don’t know. It’s already the week after next and I’d be gone for 4 days… I don’t know... But it’s already a big honor to be invited at all!”

A frown made itself visible on Kei’s features and he didn’t even attempt to hide it. “Don’t you dare let this chance slide because of me. It could be a once in a lifetime chance! You have to go!”

“Some things are more important than chances like that.” They way Kuroo said it made his heart jump, but Kei decided to ignore it in favor of being angry at Kuroo’s willingness to make sacrifices.

“Yeah, sure, but staying with me isn’t! I’m not letting you do this! It’s only 4 days, I will manage!” 

Kuroo looked seriously taken aback by the anger in Kei’s tone, but the blonde couldn’t care less. This was a big thing, this could influence Kuroo’s academic career and he wouldn’t let him throw that all away just because his senpai felt the need to take care of him.

Kuroo eventually caved, not without asking again and again if Kei was really sure about this, though. He’d had to keep reassuring his roommate that yes, he would be okay. A part of him wondered if Kuroo was scared that maybe Kei wouldn’t be there anymore when he returned, but the blonde didn’t dare to address that. 

On the day Kuroo had to leave, he suddenly didn’t feel all that confident about being alone for four days anymore. He’d gotten used to the company and he was sure the flat would feel empty without the beheaded man. And the seizures were a lot less frightening with Kuroo around to calm him, too. When Kuroo hugged him goodbye at the front door, Kei couldn’t help but to clutch at his broad back, almost not wanting to let go.

“I’ll call every night,” Kuroo whispered as he pulled away.

The blonde didn’t meet his gaze, staring at his own feet instead. “You don’t have to.” He sorta hoped he would anyway.

~

Just as promised, Kuroo did call every night and Kei felt a tiny bit happy about it - not that he would ever tell the bedhead. Something told him though, that he already knew, like he always seemed to know everything when it came to Kei.

“I’ve decided on something,” Kei said, his free hand fidgeting in his lap, while the other one held onto his phone stiffly.

“When you’re back … I’m going to drive to Miyagi and meet my family. My mom’s been pressing me to come visit for a while now and-“ He swallowed, his throat aching with the movement. “I think it’s time to face them.”

Kuroo didn’t say anything yet, seemingly aware that he wasn’t done. Kei could picture the other man smiling, even though he couldn’t see it through the phone.

“I was thinking- I don’t want to force you, but maybe you’d be willing to accompany me? I mean, you don’t have to decide now-”

“That’s great, Kei.” Kuroo sounded genuinely happy for him. “Of course, I’ll go with you.”

Kei swallowed again. “Thank you.”

~

What he didn’t tell Kuroo on the phone: he was planning to meet with Yamaguchi too. He had a bunch of texts and voice messages on his phone, some worried, some angry.

> **Tsukki? Is something wrong? Are you avoiding me??**
> 
> **Tsukki u r scaring me pls talk to me**
> 
> “Hey, Tsukki, I’m- I don’t really get what’s going on but can you call me back?”
> 
> **Are you kidding me?! What’s your deal?**
> 
> “I have no idea what the fuck is going on with you, but you’ve been ignoring me for weeks and even before that you barely contacted me and it’s not cool, okay? You didn’t even say anything about the engagement. If something is wrong fucking tell me. Avoiding me like this is just shit. I thought you’re my best friend!” 
> 
> **God Tsukki pls just call me**

He’d never heard Yamaguchi that angry, nor had he experienced him cursing this much. It was unsettling and Kei felt more than just a little guilty. Maybe it was time to fix this - if Yamaguchi would still be willing to hear him out. So he texted him back, asking to talk it out.

To his relief, Yamaguchi agreed to meet up with him at a café the both of them had discovered the last time his childhood friend had visited him in Tokyo. Kuroo wouldn’t return until the next day, and Kei was a little relieved about it. Surely, the bedhead would have offered to come along. But there was no way the blonde could ask that of him nor did he want Kuroo to deal with whatever aftermath the meeting would entail. He imagined all of this to be painful enough for him already.

When Kei sat down across from his friend, Yamaguchi gave him a once-over, eyebrows furrowed, but more worried than angry. “I thought so at the reunion but… aren’t you too thin, Tsukki?”

Kei had hoped for some small talk before they would get to the main issue. But it seemed Yamaguchi wouldn’t have that, immediately addressing the elephant in the room, whether it was on purpose or not.

“Yeah, I guess I lost some weight,” he replied slowly, not sure how to handle this situation. He took a deep breath, then another, not daring to look his friend in the eyes.

“I’m sorry, Yamaguchi. I’m sorry for ignoring you, for not talking to you.” Kei paused. “And I’m happy for you and Yachi, really I am.” He smiled, though it physically hurt to put the words out there. “But I think you’ll have to ask someone else to be your best man.”

“Okay?” Yamaguchi replied, a confused frown on his face and seemingly not done, but Kei didn’t let him continue. He needed to get it over with.

“I’m sick.” His voice was barely a whisper and tears he didn’t ask for were burning in his eyes. “I’m really, really sick.”

“What do you mean?” When Kei looked up to meet his friend’s eyes, it felt like he sat in that car all over again, Kuroo crying, staring out of the windshield. 

“I- My lungs are-,” He swallowed. His determination started to falter, so he choked it out quickly, before all his bravery was stripped away. “I’m dying.”

~

It was bad, really bad, and Kei wondered if meeting in public, where everyone could see them and their grief had been a good choice. But at least he got it over with. He didn’t tell Yamaguchi the whole truth, just said he had a terminal lung disease, but he felt relieved. His friend hugged him over and over, promising to see him often and bringing Yachi too, if that was okay.

When Kei got home, he broke down crying, clutching at his chest, tears and snot running down his face. Suddenly, he wasn’t happy about being by himself at all, wishing his roommate would be there to comfort him.

He curled up on the couch, burying his face in Kuroo’s pillow that he hadn’t bothered to put away, and just sobbed for what felt like hours. The coughing fit he’d expected never came.

The blonde must have fallen asleep at some point, because he was woken up by the ringing of his phone. Kei didn’t need to look at the display to know who it was.

“Kuroo,” he said, his voice sounding exhausted.

“Kei. Are you okay?”

“Mhm,” Kei replied, still drowsy from sleeping and crying. “I met Yamaguchi today. I told him - well, I mostly told him.”

“What?!” Kuroo seemed shocked. “Are you sure you’re okay?! Do you need me to call an ambulance? Do you have your inhalator?”

“Kuroo, I’m okay.” He almost had to smile at how worried Kuroo was for him. “I’m okay, I promise. I just-” _miss you_ , he thought, but didn’t finish his sentence out loud. His eyes fluttered shut. _Since when had he become so sentimental?_

“God, I hate that I can’t be _home with you_ right now.” 

Kuroo calling Kei’s flat _home_ did something to him, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. He heard his roommate sigh at the end of the line as well as some faint chatter in the background. Someone called for Kuroo and Kei felt like dead weight again. This excursion was a big chance for Kuroo and yet he poured so much time and energy into worrying about Kei.

“Sorry, Kei, I have to hang up soon. Promise me to tell me if something happens, okay? Can I call you again tomorrow morning? I can just skip out on the-”

“Don’t.”

“What?”

“You can’t be with me all the time, Kuroo. You have to live a little. You have to get the most out of this trip!” Kei was impressed he was still able to speak firmly like that, despite his exhaustion and the ever growing flowers blocking his airways.

“Kei-”

“And fuck, I’m grateful that you’re there for me, but Kuroo, you need to think of yourself too. I’m dying, Kuroo. I’m dying. But you have a future, you get to have a future so-” 

Kei’s voice broke and he held the phone away from his ear so Kuroo wouldn’t hear him fight back the sobs. He felt his throat clog up but suppressed his coughs.

Kuroo had a future ahead of him, a future that Kei won’t be able to take part in. They could talk about things they would want to do, TV shows to watch, places to visit and languages to learn all they wanted. Fact was that Kei didn’t have enough time or strength left for any of those. He was dying but Kuroo would still be there, doing all these things without him.

“You get to have a future,” he repeated, quietly. “You need to think about your life and your friends and your family. I’ll be gone in a bit, but you will still be here. You can’t burn all the bridges behind you.” He couldn’t stop the tears from falling this time and they ran down his cheeks uncontrollably. 

“Just- please take care of yourself too, idiot.” 

“Kei, I-”

He hung up the call without waiting for the reply, shoved his face back into Kuroo’s pillow and sobbed. His whole body was shaking and his throat was full and it felt like he wouldn’t be able to stop crying ever again.

How could he have ever thought that he was fine; that he’d accepted dying?

Right now there were plenty of things Kei wanted for himself. Things he wanted to do and see and feel and it was unfair that he didn’t get the chance to experience any of them. 

Kei didn’t want to die and there was no way he could be fine or used to it or whatever. He’d been delusional for thinking he could leave this world without confronting the pain and anger he’d kept buried inside him.

~

The next day Kei was still nestled on the couch, Kuroo’s blanket pulled up to his ears, when he heard the telltale sound of keys turning in the lock. He drowsily raised his head to see Kuroo stumble into the room, a weird expression on his face upon spotting the blonde curled up in his makeshift bed.

The black-haired man dropped the sports bag he’d used for the short trip onto the ground and walked over, not giving Kei the chance to prepare himself before he was enveloped in a tight hug.

“I missed you,” he whispered and Kei couldn’t help but ache at the display of affection. He pulled away.

“Better get used to that feeling,” he replied and it was supposed to sound snarky, but his voice betrayed him. When he looked at Kuroo he immediately regretted his words.

“Don’t say that.” Kuroo’s fragile tone matched the hurt in his eyes.

Kei shrugged, still trying to keep up a front, even though he knew it’d crumbled long ago. “But it’s true.”

They sat in silence for a bit, Kuroo pulling him back into a hug and caressing his back. Kei let it happen.

“I don’t want to die,” he admitted eventually through the tears that had started to gather in the corners of his eyes. His voice was barely audible.

“It’s so unfair. If I had known that I was going to die like this then maybe I would have done things differently… i don’t know, lived properly.” 

Kuroo embraced him even tighter, holding him close to his chest and running his hands through the blonde hair. “I know,” he replied. 

A sob escaped Kei’s throat and he tried to anchor himself by listening to Kuroo’s steady heart beat. 

“I never did anything reckless, never took any chances; I was just a dumb coward. God, I never even managed to show some fucking affection, I just keep pushing everyone away and now I’m dying and they won’t know that I love them and they will remember me as some shitty asshole.”

“No, Kei. They know, I’m sure that they know.” Kei thought he felt Kuroo leaving a kiss on the crown of his hair but he couldn’t be too sure. 

“And it’s not too late because _right now, you’re_ _alive_. You can still say all the things that you need to get out there. Right now, you’re not pushing away.”

Kei considered for a while before tentatively speaking up again. “Do _you_ know?”

“Do I know what?” The other parted from him slightly, just enough to be able to look at his face. Unwilling to let their eyes meet, Kei lowered his own gaze.

“That you’re important to me.”

He heard Kuroo’s breath hitch before he was pulled close again, a soft chuckle spilling from his roommate’s lips. “Yeah, I know.

I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thx a lot for reading!! I'm always grateful for kudos &comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the late update! I've been participating in fan weeks and big bangs recently and it's a lot of fun but it also caused me to have a little less time for this story.  
> Also... I'm sorry, I increased the number of chapters AGAIN but I'm very convinced that the next one will be the last.

Kei stared at the bloody splotches on the white bathroom tiles, chunks of roots and brown petals in between. The stench had gotten a lot worse recently and the rotten taste on his lips too.

He coughed up another heap, barely managing in time to lean over the toilet bowl. Maybe it was his imagination, but his seizures seemed to change. There were barely any fresh flowers, instead he spat out rotting roots and petals. 

Anxiety crept through his veins and he couldn’t stop the tears from gathering in his eyes. Because maybe this was really it, maybe these changes meant that he was going to die soon. He wasn’t ready, not yet.

“Kei?”

His thoughts were interrupted by gentle knocking against the bathroom door. 

“Are you okay? I heard you coughing.”

The blonde wiped his bloody lips with the back of his hand before flushing the toilet.

“Don’t worry, I’m good, Kuroo.” He got rid of the red stains on the floor with an old towel, all the while trying to blink his tears away. A glance in the mirror told him he still had blood on his chin and in the corner of his lips, so he washed his face under the sink, maybe scrubbing at his skin a little too hard, before rinsing out his mouth. The taste had definitely gotten worse.

“Are you sure?” Kuroo asked again, seemingly still lingering in front of the door.

Kei opened it with a sigh. “Yes, I’m sure.”

The bedhead looked worried as his eyes settled on him. “Haven’t you- haven’t your seizures been coming more often these days?” he asked carefully.

Kei shrugged. His roommate was right, they had been becoming more frequent but he didn’t want to think about it, much less discuss it. 

“But they haven’t been as painful,” he replied, in part to calm Kuroo but also because it was true. “It’s been a little easier to get it out almost as though-” _ as though the petals and flowers were already loose, as though the plant in his lungs was dying.  _

He stopped himself before he could finish his thought. He couldn’t voice this out loud, not if it meant giving Kuroo some serious hope. That wouldn’t be fair. Kei knew all too well that in his state there was no hope of a cure. It was too late for surgery and too late for medicaments and most of all it was too late for some kind of miracle. 

“It’s been a little easier,” he repeated instead.

“That’s good then,” Kuroo murmured, but he didn’t look convinced.

“Do you wanna eat something? I cooked curry,” he said while walking back to the kitchen.

The blonde felt a little guilty when he shook his head. “I don’t think I can eat now,” he replied with an apologetic look. “I feel kinda sick. I think I’ll lay down for a bit.”

Kuroo nodded, clearly trying to hold back whatever words were on his lips. Kei knew that the other must be worried, he himself was worried too. He hadn’t been eating recently, not really. The rotten taste in his mouth left him feeling sick and just the thought of eating made him want to retch. 

“Okay,” his roommate said after a long second, a bitter smile on his face. “Second day curry tastes better anyway.”

~

“Do you- do you want to come in with me?” Kei asked, when the doctor called his name. It was the first time he’d offered that and he wasn’t sure if he did it for Kuroo or for himself, because he was afraid to go in alone.

Kuroo’s eyes widened in surprise, but he quickly got up from his chair and followed Kei to the examination room.

“Oh,” the man said when he saw Kei not walking in alone for once. “You’ve brought some support with you, huh?”

The blonde didn’t reply anything, just sat down on the examination couch while Kuroo awkwardly stood by the door until the doctor gestured for him to sit on one of the chairs.

“So, how have you been feeling recently?” He asked while getting out his stethoscope.

“It’s been a little different,” Kei hesitantly stated as he pulled up his shirt to let the doctor do his job.

“Hmm. Take a deep breath please.” The cold metal slid over Kei’s skin giving him goosebumps. “And out.” The man moved the stethoscope away and Kei covered himself back up. 

“Different how?”

Kei shrugged, throwing a self conscious gaze over to Kuroo before focusing his eyes back on his own fingers.

“I’ve been having more seizures,” he said. “And they- it’s been less painful but-” 

“But?”

“I’ve been throwing up a lot of rotten leaves. Actually all of them are rotten these days.”

A worried frown appeared on the doctor's face, and Kei wished he hadn’t seen it. He also wished he hadn’t seen the expression on Kuroo’s face.

“Hm, that can have several causes. If the illness wasn’t so far along-” He interrupted himself, probably not wanting to make Kei feel worse with useless what if’s. “Considering the course of disease and the results of prior examinations it’s likely that the flowers and roots are taking up too much space in your lungs for more flowers to properly grow, which causes them to rot. Since the petals you’re coughing up aren’t firmly rooted to your lungs anymore it’s also less painful to cough them up.”

“What does that mean?” Kuroo asked, looking as though he was about to jump up from his chair.

“Well,” the man looked at both of them respectively, a pained expression in his eyes. “It's a sign of reaching the terminal stage of hanahaki disease.”

Kei felt his hands shaking and he desperately clenched them to fists to make it stop. “How much more time do I have left?” he whispered, unable to look at either of the two men. 

“That can’t be determined without further examinations-”

“How much?” Kei interrupted, a little more forcefully.

“Two months, maybe three.”

  
  


They drove home in silence, unable to find anything to say. Neither of them cried, but Kei was sure it would hit him once they would reach home. He clutched onto the little paper in his hand telling him the date of his next appointment. His doctor had said it was important to make further examinations before coming to a conclusion, but to Kei it just felt like a waste of time. Two months. That was nothing. How long would he still be able to be at home? A week?

He forced down the lump that was building in his throat and stared out of the window at the buildings rushing by.

~

Kei laid in bed and stared at the ceiling of his dark room, sparse light falling in through his window. Two months, he thought. Eight weeks. If his health won't worsen too quickly he could probably still take the final examination for his french class in a month. Not that he would gain anything from that, dead people didn’t need certificates.

He covered his eyes with his hands, pressing hard as though that could stop his tears from running down his face. It had never felt this real before. Dying had been an inevitability for over a year, yet it had still felt like some far away future. But now he had a deadline. Two months, three months if he got lucky. How much life can you fit into a time span that short?

Yamaguchi had promised to come visit him often, but with this kind of time frame, Kei would probably be lucky to just see him once more, maybe twice. His family, too. 

He moved his hands to his mouth, trying to be quiet enough so Kuroo wouldn’t wake up. But he couldn’t help the sobs escaping his throat, loud and desperate. Even though he knew that he had to stop crying, he couldn’t. It was unfair and painful and frightening.

It didn’t take long for his bedroom door to open, sad eyes looking at him through the dark. Kuroo didn’t say anything and when he came closer Kei saw the tear tracks on his cheeks.

The older laid down next to him and pulled him close, Kei’s tears drenching his shirt. The blonde cried into his chest, his arms clinging onto him desperately, and he knew Kuroo was crying too from the way his body was shaking.

After what felt like a small eternity, they both seemed to be a little calmer, with no more tears left to cry. Kei still held onto Kuroo, his face buried in the warm chest.

“How can you do this?” He eventually whispered, his voice hoarse and tired.

He felt Kuroo squeeze him a little tighter. “What do you mean?”

“You’re just- watching me die from loving someone else. How can you take care of me without expecting anything in return?” He lifted his face, meeting Kuroo’s gaze. “How can you be this selfless?”

Kuroo smiled at that, a gentle expression in his eyes. “I’m not that selfless, Kei. I receive plenty in return: I get to be with you.”

Kei swallowed to keep himself from tearing up again. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled because this wasn’t fair, Kuroo deserved so much better than this. 

And a tiny part of him hoped that he himself deserved better too, that even though he’d been cold and mean, he deserved to be loved like this. Even if he couldn’t get it.

~

“You know,” Kuroo said over breakfast, his bed hair sticking up worse than ever. “It may be a little cliché but I think we should make a list.”

Kei eyed him sceptically. “Like a bucket list?”

“Yes.”

The blonde contemplated for a second. He’d considered this before but it had always scared him, making his impending death too real. But now that it was this close that didn’t seem to be a valid point anymore. 

“Okay, let’s make a list.”

~

  
  


The doctor stared at the monitor with his ultrasonic scan, confusion written on his features. 

“We’ll need you to take some more tests,” the doctor said. 

Kei knew that sentence. It had never meant anything good for him. Anxiety creeped through every inch of his body and he felt his breathing grow erratic. 

Maybe the estimated two to three months had been a misjudgment. Maybe Kei had nothing more than a few weeks.

He would have to visit his parents sooner then. Kuroo and him had decided to go in a week after getting the results of the examinations. Maybe Kei wouldn’t be able to take the trip from Tokyo to Miyagi at all and they would have to come see him instead. 

And they hadn’t even done a third of the points from his bucket list. They still wanted to visit that museum Kei had wanted to go to for ages. They still wanted to watch movies and eat exotic food and go to a concert. There was still so much to do, so much to fill his last months with. But now the remainder of his time was potentially cut in half - or worse.

Kei’s scrawny fingers clutched onto the fabric of his pants tightly, knuckles turning white.

He just hoped he wouldn’t have to stay in the hospital. Because if he had to stay now, he probably wouldn’t get out again.

Kei was taken to a different room where they did an MRI. He was long familiar with the procedure and laid still as instructed until it was over. Back, when the sickness had just started to torment him, he had to wait 7 days or more to get the results. But now he got them after a day at most. Made sense though, Kei thought bitterly, since they couldn’t be sure he would still be alive in a week.

They did another ultrasonic testing of his lungs as well as a complete blood count. Then he was sent back home with the instruction to come back tomorrow to get his results. That seemed to be a good sign at least; they let him get home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me just quickly say that I don't know much about medical procedures so I based it on imagination and my limited experience...
> 
> Thank you so much for keeping up with this story! I'm very very grateful for every kudos and comment <3


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